I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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