I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
