She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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