I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
