Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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