I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
