That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
