Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
