My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
