All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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