Can i not drive my cunt home
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
