Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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