I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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