Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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