I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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