my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
