I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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