Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
