so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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