Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Terrible idea I love it
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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