it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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