I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
