so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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