then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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