Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
