The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
