i would punch a child for taco bell
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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