Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
