ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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