I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
How's work?
Spinning.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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