I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
