He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
