I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
