I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
