Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
