I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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