I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
