when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
