I just pynch a tree in the face
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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