oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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