There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
