no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
