Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
