I wish my penis had an off switch
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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