I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
