Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
