dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm at about main and main street
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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