and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
