apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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