and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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