She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
